vacantlystaring

I'm haunted by something I heard today.
In a way it relates to the speeding ticket I got.

On the way to work I was listening to This American Life. The theme of this week's show is "Apology".
They were playing tapes from the now defunct Apology Phone... and one of the callers made a very disturbing confession. Now I can't get it out of my head.
That is what I was listening to when I got pulled over.
Now all I can hear is the anguish and guilt in the caller's voice.
I can see the "crime" happening over and over in my head.
I feel what he feels, as though the crime were my own, as though his guilt were mine!
I wish I had never heard the story...
I wish I could go back in time and prevent the tragidy...

Then when I got into work COPS was on in the break room. A young man accidently shot and killed his best friend...

Now I'm haunted with this feeling...

It's that feeling the instant after something bad happens, something that is your fault and you want to take it back and you can't, because it's there and once it's there, it's real and it's forever and it's part of you and you want to cut it off but you can't, and you wish you were someone else, someplace else, but you're still you and you are still there and nothing can change that and nothing will be the same again and it will never be all right and you will never feel safe and you will never fell innocent ever again............

That is the feeling I have and I didn't even do anything. It's not my feeling, but it's sticky and it smells and it is stuck on me like pine sap. It's like bugs crawling through my chest cavity. I just can't shake it.

I need some mental floss and a brain brush.